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07 November 2008 @ 10:29 am
LJ Idol Week 7  
I know a lot of people are using the election as hope, whether they voted for our new President-Elect or not. I'm not one for discussing politics like that.

My first LJ idol entry was about my grandmother, and how I was prepared to say goodbye to her. Well, if you're on my personal LJ, you know the roller coaster it's been the past few weeks. She is in the hospital, in hospice care, and at the moment, she cannot speak, cannot move, but she can smile. I got to see her Tuesday for about an hour because she's expected to pass any day.

I was mad at my mother when she told me to drive to the hospital to see her. I didn't want to. I enjoyed the last memory I had of my grandmother, and I didn't want to see her weak or in pain. I wanted to remember her laughing, getting on to her great-grandson because he was being too loud, and hugging me so tight I could barely breathe.

When I made it to the hospital, I walked in and remained strong. I held my grandmother's hand, and even though she couldn't talk back to me, she would squeeze my hand weakly to let me know she heard, and she'd smile at me. I told her about the beautiful fall colors, all the papers I had to write, and about a possible internship I would have in Florida. I kissed her head, turned my back to her bed, grabbed onto my dad and started to sob. Shortly after that, we left.

I've been in a funk ever since.

Yesterday, I remembered that the 13th (next Thursday), was the day mom and I would get to see Celine Dion. So, I decided to play some music of hers on the way to work. The song "World to Believe In" came on, and it reminded me of my grandmother. (Here are the lyrics and a video.

So this is what I know. Not my hope, but what I know. I will see my grandmother again. I'll be able to run up to her in heaven and she'll be strong and we can hug, laugh, and talk over tea, just like old times.

But my hope is that she goes quickly, and she is no longer in pain. My mother told me to pray she got taken home soon, and I am. That is my hope. It's a strange thing to hope for, but it's for the best.
jenandbronze on November 7th, 2008 05:50 pm (UTC)
OH HUGS!!! I am *SO* sorry to hear this news, but I think you are right for trying to think of the wonderful, happy times you have had with grandmother. Great entry, hope that you see her happier when she is taken "home". You have my vote this week for a great entry, although, heartbreaking time for you... but cherish those great meomries.
Shadow Wolf Byrdshadowwolf13 on November 7th, 2008 06:25 pm (UTC)

I have no words, but wanted to let you know that I read and I empathize.
lilmissmagic71lilmissmagic71 on November 8th, 2008 02:11 am (UTC)

*more hugs*
solstice_singer on November 8th, 2008 04:39 am (UTC)
I remember how it was when my grandfather died. I did pray that he would be taken soon, but always sort of felt guilty for it. Still, you're right. If it ends suffering, it really is for the best.
Laura, aka "Ro Arwen": Delphic Priestessroina_arwen on November 8th, 2008 08:16 pm (UTC)
It's always hard to lose a loved one; the waiting is even harder. *Hugs*
heather chick: bella_solkittenboo on November 9th, 2008 04:42 am (UTC)
*hugs* I can understand what you are going though, I know it is not easy
baxaphobiabaxaphobia on November 9th, 2008 12:34 pm (UTC)
No it's not a strange thing to hope for. You want your grandmother to be free and that is a wonderful hope. Hugs.
alycewilson: depressedalycewilson on November 9th, 2008 06:35 pm (UTC)
It's hard to say good-bye. I'm sorry to hear about this.
Walker, Texas Kittywalkertxkitty on November 10th, 2008 03:12 am (UTC)
I think those are beautiful hopes. I'm glad you get to spend some time with her before she does go and that she has so many people around her who love her.